I sat in my bedroom with my door shut, brow furrowed, feeling frustrated, burned out, cranky.
Crankiness is why I snapped at my six-year-old son for something so little as not killing a bug that was crawling around in our kitchen. Why he went to bed feeling like he let his mama down by not being the brave protector from kitchen bugs. And why I sat in bed feeling like I let him down. (As I should, because who gets upset about that, really?!?)
I longed to apologize, to grab his sweet little face in my hands and tell him I was wrong to snap. Yet something held me back, trying to discern why the crankiness was eating away at me when truly…I had it all?
“I’ll count my blessings,” I said to myself, in an effort to cast off the cranky cloud and prove to myself that I did have so much.
MY BLESSINGS LIST:
1. A God who thinks I was worth dying for and cares enough to forgive me, reassure me, tell me He loves me and has a plan for me.
2. A son who cares about people, but more importantly, loves Jesus. I love how he reads his Bible and writes God songs. He wants to be an engineer and write more God songs in his free time.
3. We are healthy. I just added up our healthcare expenses from 2012 to see what insurance plan I should choose this year, and the expenses were pennies compared to what others spent last year. The older I get, the more I realize health is a blessing not to be taken for granted.
4. A job that pays well with good hours and relatively no stress.
5. A car that moves us where we need to go and has upheld superbly for 5+ years.
6. A house that is close to work, school, church, the grocery store, the gas station, the library, and is pleasant to live in at minimal cost.
7. A church that preaches the Bible without exception.
8. Friends who pray for me and encourage me to embrace a Spirit-led life.
9. A family who supports and protects me.
10. A school where Bradley is challenged and thriving.
11. Food on my table, plus enough to support causes I love, and even extra for the occassional splurge.
12. The knowledge that heaven is for real, and it’s where I get to spend eternity, free from sin and disappointment and hurt.
13. Meaningful relationships and projects to engage my interests.
My list went on, and yet there I sat…cranky and out-of-sorts and blah.
Because my old life was in the past. It didn’t fit anymore.
Because I sensed God preparing me for the new. But it didn’t fit yet either.
No, I wasn’t there yet. So I felt…
In-between, as Jeff Goins called it.
Ready to spring as soon as He said, ”Go.”
Ready to say yes to this plan He revealed step-by-step.
Ready, but instead He said, “Wait.”
Why would He make it a point to tell me the plan, to tell me to believe Him with all my heart, only to then say, “Not yet. Be still.”
So I wrote again:
1. Because He knows I don’t like change, and He’s graciously giving me time to prepare mentally and emotionally.
2. He is omniscient. He knows precisely what is best for me and at what time.
3. He is patient. We feel anxious for things to happen because we live in human time with human flesh and limited resources. He can do anything at any time, regardless of age, skills, life experiences, finances. He has no boundaries. He has unlimited resources. He does not live in our human-sized box.
4. Whether I like it or not, I still have lessons to learn that I will need to draw upon down the road.
5. Because he is other-world focused. This place is not our home, and He will do anything to make us more like Jesus, even if it takes a lifetime.
In Being Ok with Where You Are, Stacey Thacker quoted C.S. Lewis, who warned people to think carefully before becoming Christians:
‘Make no mistake,’ He says. ‘If you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in my hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose you can push me away. But if you do not push me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purifcation it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect–until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.’
He would not do anything less…
Stay tuned for When You Feel Stuck – Part 2.
Jesus loves you,
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